Why children need freedom and how it is different from permissiveness

‘You can just see that Matilda truly feels free.’

This is what an elderly woman we met on a train in Germany said to us, and to me it was one of the biggest compliments we could have gotten.

Freedom!

What is it to be free?

To me feeling free means to be deeply connected to one’s own true, authentic self, to feel comfortable sharing this self, to be able to fully feel and express one’s emotions, to have an open heart and connect and communicate with other people from the heart, to knowing one’s own boundaries and being able to stand up for them, and to have a deep sense of trust in oneself and the world.

That day, on the train, our daughter, Matilda, who, at the time, was around 17 months old, felt free.

She ran up and down the aisle, she fully expressed her joy and excitement, she approached people, waved at them, said ‘hi’, and hung herself from a construction in the middle of the aisle that passengers could hold on to. She grabbed my hand to walk with her, and she let go off my hand and ran by herself. When I tried to stir her in one direction, she firmly resisted, and ran the other way. Some people she just approached and engaged with, others she boldly looked at from a short distance, assessing whether she felt she could trust them or not.

Some people may consider this behavior rude.

And might have judged us as bad parents for allowing it to happen.

But I (and that lady on the train) considered it to be beautiful; she was confidently exploring her environment, she took her time to really look at people, take everything in and listen to her intuition, she asked us to go with her when she needed the support (or just wanted to share her joy with us) and she went by herself when she felt comfortable doing so.

In our society, we often conflate freedom with permissiveness.

We worry, that, if we don’t constantly guide our children, tell them to sit quietly on the train, stop them from running all over the place by themselves, tell them to stop taking a long (critical) look at people, ensure they do as we tell them to no matter whether our request is actually important to us, our children will turn into spoiled, poorly behaved brats that are doomed to fail in life.

And we worry that other people will judge us as permissive parents who can’t assert ourselves. 

Who are permissive parents?

Permissive parents are warm and caring towards their children, but they also tend to let them do whatever they want, without ever imposing any boundaries. 

If a child hits another child, they don’t interfere. 

If a child wants to stay up all night and watch TV, they let them. 

If a child wants to eat nothing but ice cream for dinner, they cave. 

These are the calling cards of permissive parents.

As an extreme caricature, permissive parents will not do anything that could upset their child.

No parent wants to be labeled a permissive parent.

Luckily, this is not at all the same as allowing a child to be free. 

Allowing freedom doesn’t mean not imposing limits.

Freedom-allowing parents do interfere when it is necessary; when a situation is dangerous, when they know a behavior will harm the child in the long run (such as eating lots of sugar or not wanting to brush their teeth), or when it is important for the parents’ own well-being (such as making an appointment).  

They only do so when it is necessary – not just out of the real or imagined judgment from other people, or because they have some idea of how things should be done that actually doesn’t serve any purpose other than quelling their own anxieties or because it has always been done that way.  

When they do impose a limit, freedom-allowing parents do so caringly and compassionately and give space for the emotional fallout this may bring. They allow the child to feel and express however they may feel. 

They are also willing to change their mind when they realize that a limit they wanted to impose has more costs than they originally anticipated. 

So for example, if they wanted to leave the playground and go home (but not having any particular reason to actually go home that very instance) and the child refuses and insists on staying longer, they may be swayed and stay. They are not changing their mind because they are afraid of the child’s upset, they do so because they realize it is more important for the child to stay than it is for them to leave.

To be able to allow children to be free, we need to trust in human nature, in child nature. 

• Trust that children are born good.

• Trust that children deserve the same respect as adults do.

• Trust that children are born with their own preferences, ideas, and personality and that they have the right to live those out even if they are different from ours.

• Trust that “poor” behavior in any given moment (such as hitting or yelling) is a normal part of development and not a reflection of what kind of person they will be as an adult.

• Trust that if we treat children with respect, love, and compassion, they will learn to do the same with themselves, us, and other people.

It’s easy to see why our children would appreciate such an approach: 

Nobody likes to be controlled!

All animals, who have no control over their lives, suffer.

Numerous studies have demonstrated this.

The same is true of humans.

People living in old-folks homes remain healthier for longer when they are given control over their environment, by, for example, being responsible to water the plants in their room.  

And the same is true of children, and even babies.

The need to have control over our own lives, to be free and decide for ourselves is part of our evolved nature.

We have evolved to be motivated to have control over our own lives because taking control and deciding what to do is a necessary ingredient to be a successful member of our species. 

This need for control is so ancient that it is almost synonymous with life itself:

A living creature is one that exercises self-control. 

And while children and particularly babies depend on us for much of their day-to-day lives and have a strong desire to be attached to us, made to feel safe and to be comforted, they also have a strong desire to do the things they can themselves and to have control.

Having adults in their life that provide safety to them as needed and who give them the freedom they want is what helps them grow into competent, confident adults.

When we limit our children’s freedom, we don’t just undermine their development of competence. We also undermine their confidence. We sever their connection to their true, authentic selves, we stop them from listening to and trusting their intuition, we stop them from feeling connected to and trusting themselves, other people, and the world at large. And we set them up to ignore their own boundaries, and decrease their sense of agency over their own lives and bodies.

So allowing our children to be free, to feel free, is not just a nice idea.

It is essential to them becoming competent adults.

And to their well-being.     

And I believe it is good for us too.

It helps us connect deeply with our children.

It makes our job a little easier as we can just let them be more often and don’t always need to try and control the situation.

It helps us reflect about our own sense of freedom, and whether we have built walls around us through our own childhood.

It helps us be in the moment with our child and be more joyful.

It helps us to feel freer.