We reap what we sow: What an evolutionary perspective can teach us about child nature

What is a child’s nature?

Is child nature somehow at odds with becoming a happy, well-functioning, adult human?

Does it need to be nudged, taught, or trained in some way(s)? 

For example, are children inherently selfish little monsters until we teach them some manners?

These are weighty, big questions. And, I would argue, that the answers we give have very real consequences on the lives of children and parents.

If children are inherently selfish, good parents should train them to be more giving.

That seems to be reasonable.

But consider this: What if children were inherently social? How should we train them then?

Should we at all?

An evolutionary perspective here stands at odds with many mainstream parenting ideas - ideas that cast child nature as in need of training.

From an evolutionary perspective, human children are not just social - they are the most social of all primates.

No person is an island and for good reason: Over the long course of our evolutionary history, a human alone wasn’t a human alone for very long - and children especially so.

We need one another for survival. Not only that, our intense social nature - our ability to learn from one another and to cooperate - is the secret of our success as a species. It is the reason why we live on every continent and in almost every type of ecosystem.

To allow us to band together in this way, to form a type of super-organism called Team Human, we have also evolved a whole toolbox of psychological traits… 

We follow each other’s gaze and have evolved the white in our eyes to aid in this. (In a crowded area, try looking up at an empty part of the sky - you’ll soon attract a crowd of people trying to figure out what you’re looking at.)

We’ve evolved the ability to feel each other’s pain and joy through empathy. (Have you ever felt yourself tearing up at the sight of another's tears?) 

And also the ability to figure out what other people are thinking using theory of mind. (Have you ever laid awake at night trying to figure out what exactly a co-worker meant by an offhand comment?) 

We mirror each other’s body language. (We’ve all yawned at the site of another yawning.)

And we’ve also evolved language in order to transmit complex concepts from one mind to another. (which we’re doing right now!)

All of these abilities take calories to run in our minds, and we never would have evolved them if there wasn’t a big payoff.

For any given human baby, the payoff for developing these abilities is the ability to grow into the culture they were born into - and to cooperate with our other teammates on Team Human.

And so tiny humans use their developing social abilities to copy the behavior and psychology of the bigger humans.

They say: monkey see, monkey do

But a better formulation would be: human see, human do.

So when we try and ‘train’ children to be good, we only ever model to them to try and control others.

If we want them to be ‘good’ (whatever your idea of good may be), we have to be good ourselves in their presence.

We have to model it.

But there is another quirk to child nature that is important here:

Human children don’t just emulate explicit behavior, they also figure out what people expect of them, and then do their best to meet those expectations.

Our children become what we expect them to become.

I don’t think there is a better, more clear example of a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Our susceptibility to self-fulfilling prophecies is at the same time one of our greatest strengths and one of our greatest weaknesses.

It allows us to become members of beautiful, joyful, creative social environments - but also members of the exact opposite as well…

With children as with farming, we reap what we sow.

So when we reward children for ‘good’ behavior and punish them for ‘bad’ behavior, we teach them that they need reward and punishment to behave well, that they are the kinds of people we expect to be bad, that they can’t be trusted, and we model to them how human relationships work, and how to get others to behave the way we want them to.

When we view children’s behavior as an expression of their feelings and underlying needs, and try to understand those, we teach them that we care to understand them, that they are the kinds of people that are inherently good who sometimes behave poorly because they struggle, that they can be trusted, and we model to them that human relationships are based on connection, understanding, and compassion.

Most of us have been raised with some form of rewards and punishment. And how we were raised, how we were treated as children, has left its mark.

If we were raised with a focus on our behavior, with the use of carrots and sticks, we may have learned that we shouldn’t show or feel the emotions that led to behaviors our parents discouraged.

We may have learned that we cannot be trusted, and that we also can’t trust other people.

We may have learned that we are selfish, and expect other people to act selfishly too.

All of those lessons affect how we show up in the world and how we engage with others.

And how we treat our children.

So if we choose to view child nature as inherently good, if we want to sow trust, understanding, compassion, and love, we need to start with ourselves. We need to learn to see our own inherent goodness, to trust ourselves, to understand ourselves, and to have compassion and love for ourselves.